I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
