non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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