Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize