Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
