wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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