So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize