you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize