Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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