He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
