So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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