I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
