After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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