dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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