I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
