don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Randomize
