How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
