I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
