The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
