Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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