Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
