He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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