tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
