i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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