im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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