Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
