you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
