dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
