Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
