I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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