if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You can't special order awesome
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
so much tequila, so little girl.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
