Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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