I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
