I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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