Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
