The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
