I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
