seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize