Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
