I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
