I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
