her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
i've created a new STD.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Randomize
