i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
did i just pee glitter
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
