wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
