He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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