Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
