does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
