Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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