He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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