Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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