I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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