i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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