ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
