apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
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