Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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