He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
