Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
