On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
