your parents love me but you hate me
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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