If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
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