Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I want to be your penis for a week.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
