I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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